The Frog Prince

Dude. You just spent three nights with me and you're not a frog?!

Hello, dear reader. Quick plug, if you like my wit and love of fairy tales, follow me on Instagram! I'm newcombnotes and sometimes I post pictures of my dog.

This week, we'll look at another of the Grimms' fairy tales, The Frog Prince. As you might expect, it's a little ridiculous, although I decided not to go with the version where the princess violently throws the frog at a wall. I figured we could tone it down a little this time. Click the link to read the tale and read on below for my analysis.

Firstly, what kind of place is this? A talking frog is apparently not interesting to anyone. This makes me wonder how many others have been changed into frogs. Or maybe frogs just talk in this place. I wish we knew about other animals. Anyway.

It's also noteworthy that the king thought his daughter should follow through on a promise she made to a talking frog. I wonder if he was trying to teach her a lesson. It would be pretty important for royalty to keep their word. It's also impressive that his daughter actually follows through with it, even when her dad can't see her. She seems like kind of a jerk earlier in the story, but I guess she'll still do what her dad says. Or he guilted her into it. At least the frog only ate off of her plate the first night.

Can we discuss how this unwed girl spent three nights alone with a prince? I'm guessing she's not that old since she's playing with a golden ball, but maybe she's a teenager and just thinks it's cool. There's nothing stating her age, so it's anyone's guess. Whatever age she is, this would have been majorly not cool. She would have had to marry this guy or be ruined. Which is crap, but those were the times. She might have taken a different bargain if he'd told her she'd have to marry him for getting her ball back.

Let's take a look at this prince. I wonder what he did to get turned into a frog with such specific instructions for how to break his spell. Am I the only one reminded of Beauty and the Beast, but much easier for the prince? Usually true love will break any spell, but there's nothing about that here. Which is fortunate because these two don't seem to talk at all in the three days they hang out. So, it doesn't seem like they care for each other. Although, as soon as she sees him as a prince, the princess suddenly loves him and he forgives her for almost breaking her promise and possibly leaving him stuck as a frog forever. If there were any marriage counselors in these kingdoms, they must have made a fortune.

The moral of this story is: don't drop anything precious into a spring. Alternatively, if you do, be sure you want to marry whatever creature says he'll get it back for you.

Have a different moral? Have a story you want me to talk about? Have a different experience being a frog? Comment below!

Leaving the Tower

Hello, dear reader. Last week, we looked at the fairy tale Rapunzel. This week, I'm writing a modern version of that story. I was stuck for awhile on how to put a girl in a tower into our modern world. Then I realized we have our own version of a tower in the woods.

A room of your own is better if you don't need one of these.

Grace was sick. She was at the hospital so much, it was almost like she lived there. She celebrated birthdays there, she knew most of the nurses by name and her doctor knew her by sight. It wasn't the most cheerful place to be, but Grace always had her window to the outside world. When she had started to get bad, her parents had bought her a smart phone with a data plan. Grace didn't know enough people to text or call too often, but she used the hospital's WiFi religiously. She could go anywhere in the world and be safe in her bed, having all her important things monitored. It was nice to be able to go anywhere, see anything, but still. What was the point if she didn't have anyone to share it with?

Around the time her classmates were getting cars and starting to date boys, Grace started to put a form to her loneliness. She wanted a boyfriend. But who could she ask? She was barely in school and when she was there, everyone treated her like she was fragile, like an eggshell teetering on the edge of a table. At the hospital, everyone was too old and they saw her as a patient, not a teenage girl. Grace brooded over her phone. One night, when she couldn't sleep, Grace was flicking through her phone, her face lit up by the eerie light, when the door opened. That was odd.

"Hello?" Grace asked, putting her phone down. She clicked on the light.

"Oh," the boy said. He was wearing a hospital gown and had his hand on his IV stand. He was bald too. "Sorry. This isn't my room."

"It's okay. What's your name?"

"Mike. What's yours?"

"Grace."

"Nice to meet you." He walked closer, bringing his IV with him. "So, Grace, what are you in for?"

Grace laughed. "It's not a prison."

"Seems like it sometimes. Haven't you ever wanted to just get up and walk around?"

Grace shrugged. "I haven't done that in awhile."

"Walked?"

"I can get to the bathroom and back but..." Grace's throat closed. She had thought she'd gotten used to the litany of things she couldn't do, but this boy managed to remind her.

"I'm sorry! Hey, if you can't do the walking, I'll come here and see you. How about that?"

Grace smiled, blinking quickly. "That would be nice. It's nice to have a friend."

"Yeah," Mike agreed.

Over the next few weeks, Grace got to know a lot about Mike. He liked fast cars and action movies. He liked Top 40 hits and country. He also liked to write poetry. One night, he brought a few poems for Grace to read. They were about his family.

"How often does your family come to see you?" Grace asked.

Mike shrugged and looked away. "They're very busy people. Dad was training me to be in charge once he retired. Now..."

Grace put her hand on his hand. "You don't know this is going to kill you," she said quietly. "You might get better."

Mike shrugged and stood up. "I'd better head back to my room." He started heading to the door.

"Do you want the poems back?" Grace asked.

"I'll get them next time," Mike said without turning around.

Grace made sure to hide the poems after he left. Mike wasn't supposed to be out of bed at night and she didn't want to give him away. It was so nice to talk to someone else her age, even if he did get a little boring sometimes.

The next day, Grace's parents came to visit and brought her flowers and chocolate. "Happy Valentine's Day!" Grace's mom said, setting the gifts down and giving Grace a careful hug.

"Thanks," Grace said. "I forgot it was Valentine's Day."

"Well, we didn't," her dad said, sitting down. "And we brought a new game we found. Want to try it?"

Grace had enjoyed board games more and more since she'd been stuck in bed. Her parents tried to play at least one game with her every time they visited. "I should play with Mike sometime," Grace thought. "Yes!" she said. "What is it?"

Grace's mom settled in as her dad explained the rules of the game. It was competitive and one of those games where the rules were simple, but the gameplay could get complicated. Perfect. Grace settled in for a great Valentine's Day.

Later that night, Mike came back to visit her. Grace had kept some chocolates to share with him. "Hello," she said with a smile as he came in.

"Hi," Mike said, looking a little nervous, stopping right in front of her bed.

"Happy Valentine's Day," Grace said, holding out the chocolates. A few things happened at once. Mike leaned in and kissed her. Grace, startled, dropped the chocolates on the floor. She quickly kissed Mike back. Her first kiss and it was on Valentine's Day!

"You okay, honey?" a nurse asked, easing the door open. Their kiss ended suddenly. "Michael! Out of bed at this hour? And what would your girlfriend say about this?"

Girlfriend? "What?" Grace asked.

Michael looked angry. "We're fine, Nurse Killjoy. Go on your rounds."

"Oh no, young man. You're going back to bed if I have to drag you there myself."

Mike did not suffer himself to be dragged, so he stomped out of the room ahead of the nurse. He didn't look back.

Grace looked down at the chocolates on the floor and started to cry. This was the worst Valentine's Day she'd ever had.

A few weeks later, the doctor approached Grace and her parents about a new treatment. It had done well in testing. "We think it would be a good fit for Grace," the doctor said, "but since she's still a minor, it's up to you two what you want to do." Grace's dad nodded and her mom's lips went thin.

"What happens if it goes wrong?" Grace asked.

The doctor looked at her. "Well, you would need to stay in the hospital so we could observe you. It could give you more difficulty walking."

"How likely is that?"

"Not very."

Grace looked between her parents and her doctor. "Let's do it! I can handle another treatment."

Her parents took a few more days to come around, but eventually, they did agree. The treatment began to work and Grace felt better and she was able to walk further and further.

Eventually, a nurse would walk the hallways with her so Grace could get some more exercise. Grace saw Mike on one of their tours. She nearly fell over doing it, but she looked away from him and ignored him completely. As she turned the corner, the nurse still steadying her, Grace knew she would be going home soon and she'd never have to be stuck in the hospital again. She was coming out of her tower and into the world at last.

Rapunzel

Maiden, how is your hair that long?

Salutations, dear reader. I'm not sure how, but I've never talked about Rapunzel yet, so we're going to remedy that today. If you want to brush up on the gruesome Grimm version of the tale, click the link above. When you're ready, continue reading below for my analysis.

There's a lot to dig into in this story, but let's start with the witch. Apparently "gothel" means godmother in some almost-forgotten version of German, so she never actually gets a name, which is typical. However, I'm going to call her Gothel anyway because it makes my life easier. So, we have this enchantress who agrees to trade away some cabbage for a child. I have to wonder why she wanted a child. There are many possible reasons, obviously. She could have been lonely and wanted someone to love who would never run away from her. Maybe she wanted a baby, but all the men were too scared of her to romance her and make a family with her. Whatever the reason, she wanted a baby and trading some produce for one seemed like an easy deal to her.

What puzzles me is that once Rapunzel moved into her tower, Gothel didn't live with her. I know Gothel would have things to do with her life, witchy or otherwise, but it reads like she never spends the night in the tower with Rapunzel. What the crap. Gothel goes through all this trouble raising this girl and then only spends days with her and sleeps somewhere else. Did Gothel decide she didn't like Rapunzel and was trying to avoid the girl? Was that somehow part of Gothel's witchiness that she had to live somewhere other than a tower? I'm assuming the two lived together before Gothel put Rapunzel in a tower. It's just weird. Not that sticking a preteen in a tower is normal, but I digress.

Next we have Rapunzel herself. Who in the world has hair as long as a tower by the time they're 12 years old? After awhile, human hair stops growing. It does get really long, but not that long! So, either there's something magic about Rapunzel, or Gothel bewitched her. As long as we're on the subject, taking the weight of an entire person on your scalp seems like a sure way to get the hair ripped out of your head. So, I guess Rapunzel is double magic. It's amazing Gothel was able to cut her hair. Maybe they were magic scissors.

Anyway, we're ignoring Rapunzel herself. She is severely taken advantage of. Obviously Gothel didn't let her meet anyone, which is not okay, but let's think about that. Whatever Rapunzel didn't learn about the world before age 12, she had to learn from Gothel. Gothel the enchantress who locked a child in a tower in the middle of the woods for no explained reason. It's safe to say Rapunzel's world view is a little skewed.

Then, Rapunzel meets a man, a prince, even! He proposes to her as soon as he sees her and she accepts. Does Rapunzel know what goes into a marriage? It is probable that Gothel mentioned something about Rapunzel's parents and how they were married, but Rapunzel would have no idea what a marriage looked like, even from the outside. I kind of doubt Gothel let Rapunzel hang out with anyone before the tower. So, the first man she's seen since puberty climbs up her hair and offers to marry her. It's not surprising that Rapunzel says yes. What is surprising is that her relationship with Gothel is so bad that Rapunzel doesn't share her news. Obviously, Gothel didn't really care for Rapunzel, but you would think Rapunzel cared for Gothel. Then again, maybe that's why she agreed to marry literally the first man who asked, so she could get away. Also, I'm assuming that at some point after their "marriage", this prince had to give Rapunzel the sex talk, because I can almost guarantee that Gothel didn't. As hilarious as that would be, it's also terrible. Everything that is wrong with the prince's and Rapunzel's relationship could probably fill a doctoral thesis, so we'll just leave that where it is.

We should probably look at the prince next. We have no idea of his true motivation at the beginning of the story. He hears a pretty voice in the woods, finds the source, and immediately proposes to the girl singing. This is probably more interaction than he would get with whoever his parents wanted him to marry before their wedding. So for him it almost makes sense and maybe he was genuine about it. But then we have the skeins of silk for her to weave a ladder with. Could he not bring an actual ladder? Or a rope? Or literally anything else that would get her out of that tower right away instead of making her wait so long? Either this prince is dumb as a bag of rocks, or he didn't really want Rapunzel out of that tower. We know he proposed to her, and made babies with her, but we don't know if he really wanted to be with her. It could have been very cozy for him to have a girl in the woods and a wife at home. However, once the prince is blinded, then we know he was sad that he lost Rapunzel. So maybe he did care? It's hard to tell, honestly. But at least once he found Rapunzel again, his blindness was cured and they lived happily together with their twins. So I guess it works out for everyone except Gothel. Who just...gave up on Rapunzel. Forever.

So, the moral of this story is that if you're being held captive by an enchantress but you manage to make her so mad she sends you into the dessert, she'll never bother you again. Alternatively, if you find a girl in a tower you want to marry, bring a ladder with you when you come back.

Have a different moral? Want me to talk about a different fairy tale? Comment below! And come back next week for when I take this crazy story into our era.

The Key

Hello, reader. Last week, we analyzed Bluebeard again. This week, I'll put my own spin on it as I rewrite the story into our time. This one's gonna get weird, folks.

It looks so simple and safe. Doesn't it?

Tanya smiled up at her new husband. They had gotten back from their honeymoon only yesterday and Brett was giving her a tour of her new home. She hadn't come from much, but Brett clearly had a lot of money. As they walked through their house, Brett would pull out keys on his massive key ring and tell her what they opened. There were the obvious ones like the front door and the garage. Then the locked cabinet where Brett kept his car keys. He had far too many cars to try to keep all of those keys with him. Each cabinet had a key and each safe had a key, a combination, and sometimes a biometric lock, which they agreed to add Tanya to later. The security system was impressive.

"I can't even see the cameras!" Tanya said.

"I paid a lot of money for that," Brett said proudly. "That way they can be inside and outside the house."

"Wow," Tanya replied.

When the tour ended back in the front of the house, Tanya said, "Was that all of the keys?"

"Very good. There is one left," Brett replied. "However, this key opens a closet I never want you to go into."

"Oh?" Tanya asked.

"It is important to me that you never use this key." Brett held up a small and dainty key, easily distinguishable from the rest.

"Very well," Tanya replied. "Are you ready for lunch?"

Brett smiled and followed her to the case of car keys. "Of course! Then I'll have to pack for my business trip tomorrow."

Tanya made a face.

"I won't be gone long, I promise."

Tanya nodded. "I understand," she said.

The next day, Brett gave Tanya the key ring and a kiss goodbye. "Remember, don't open that little closet with that little key."

"I won't," Tanya promised.

Brett smiled, kissed her again, and left.

Tanya looked around her new house. Her friends were probably all at work. She had had to quit her job to go on their honeymoon and she wasn't ready to start looking for another job just yet.

Tanya took herself on a tour of the house, stopping to watch a movie in their in-home theater, and play a game in their bowling alley. It was odd that there was no one to help around the house, but Brett assured her that he had enough robots to take care of that. The robotic chef on the cutting edge of AI was certainly a marvel. Eventually, Tanya went to bed and set the keys down on her bedside table.

Over the next week, Tanya barely walked by the small closet and when she did, she rarely looked at it. Eventually, Brett came home again.

"Honey, I'm home!" he called into the house.

"Welcome back!" Tanya replied, giving him a kiss and a hug.

Once they were done, Brett asked, "Do you have my keys?"

"Of course," Tanya replied, handing them over easily.

Brett looked through them for a moment and looked briefly annoyed.

"Did your trip go well?" Tanya asked.

"Yes. It was fine," Brett replied distractedly.

"Come into the living room and sit down. We can talk about it."

"Sure," Brett replied, but he was distant the rest of the evening. For the next week or two, he was home, but spent such long days at work that sometimes Tanya forgot he would be coming home that night.

After awhile, Brett had to go on another trip. Once again, he handed the keys to Tanya and reminded her not to open his small closet. Tanya agreed and they parted.

That night, Tanya had a video chat with one of her friends.

"So, how is married life treating you?" Marie asked.

"It's great," Tanya replied. "I'm taking a break before I go back to work."

"Nice!"

Tanya nodded and smiled. "The only weird thing is Brett keeps telling me to stay out of this small closet in our house."

"That is weird."

"Yeah. He always gives me the key when he leaves and reminds me not to use it."

"Maybe it will be different on his next trip,"
Marie told her, there was a hint of something unsaid, but Tanya acted as if she didn't notice.

Tanya shrugged. "Maybe."

When Brett came back from that trip, he seemed even more annoyed. After trying to help, Tanya backed off to let him sort himself out. The next day, Brett had an urgent trip come up that he had to leave for straightaway.

"And remember-"

"Don't go into your closet. I won't," Tanya promised with a smile. "Won't you tell me what's in there?"

"No! It's not something you need to worry about."

Tanya's eyes widened. "Okay. Have a good trip, honey."

Brett sighed. "I'm sorry. I will."

Tanya still did not open the closet while Brett was gone. She amused herself by swimming laps in the pool and watching increasingly strange shows online.

Finally, Brett came home again. When Tanya handed him the keys, he seemed to be almost shaking with rage.

"What's wrong?" Tanya asked innocently.

In answer, Brett grabbed her arm and dragged her through the house to the closet he had forbidden her to open. "Open it!" he snarled.

"But you told me not to," Tanya said, drawing back from him a little.

"Now I'm telling you to open it!"

"No. You're entitled to your secrets. It's your right as a husband."

With a growl, Brett grabbed the small key, rammed it into the lock, and pulled the door open, roughly shoving the keys into Tanya's hands. Inside the room were the dead bodies of three women. Now that the door was open, it stunk, and Tanya took a step back.

"Yes. This was my secret. Now you've seen it."

However, as Brett was talking, Tanya pushed him into the room and slammed the door shut. Taking the small key, she locked it.

"Let me out of here!" Brett yelled.

"You never thought your first wife had friends, did you?" Tanya asked through the door.

"Open this door!"

"You knew Dawn was a witch with enough magic to make this room that could hide a body and a key that would never let the blood wash off in the usual way. Yet you never thought she had a coven."

"What are you talking about? Let me out."

Tanya ignored him. "Do you know how hard it was to pretend to like you? Every time I saw you, all I could think about was how you killed my friend." She took a deep breath. "Fortunately for me, you don't really care about your wives. You just want to make sure no one will come looking if they disappear. Right? That's how your other two wives were. I'm just sorry we lost track of you while you were murdering them "

"I'll tear you limb from limb!"

"I'm sure there's no way out of that room if it's locked. Dawn was very good at her spells. When we figured out what you were doing, the rest of them argued about what justice would be right for you, but none of them was sure what would be fitting. I was the one who suggested locking you in there."

"You vile woman!"

Tanya laughed. "I'm going to finish Dawn's spell now so no one will be able to hear anything in that room or find this door unless they have the key. After you're gone, we'll give your wives a decent burial, but I think we'll leave you in there to rot."

Tanya put her hand on the door and murmured a few words. Her hair began to stand up and a purple light was cast over everything. Then, Tanya stopped talking and her hair drifted back to normal and so did the lights.  Tanya took the small key off the key ring, put it on a chain, and clasped it around her neck. She walked away whistling and all that was left behind her was a bare wall where a door used to be.

Bluebeard Again

That's no way to treat your wife.

Hello, reader. I've looked at Bluebeard on this blog before, but I just couldn't resist using that little key to open up this story again. As before, we'll look at Perrault's version of this story.

Last time, I focused on Bluebeard's wife. She is certainly an important character, but so is Bluebeard. And it's time he had some time in the sun.

To begin with, he must have been very careful not to have any of the previous murders blamed on him, and he must have been very rich for anyone to be willing to marry their daughters to him. I have to wonder about the magic in his house as well. Of course there is the key that his wife couldn't wash the blood off of. That is obviously magic. However, I am also curious about the room where his previous wives were stored. Without getting too graphic, it would stink. A lot. It's amazing no one noticed the complete stink in his house, especially since the bride's friends ran all over the place. There was something different about that room, and I think it was magical as well.

So, Bluebeard has a magic key and a magic room that work together to help him kill his wives and not get caught. Either he is a magician, or he used one to set all of that up. It doesn't seem likely that Bluebeard would be a magician. If that were the case, he wouldn't have needed to use a saber to behead his wife and he wouldn't have needed to wait for her to get to him before he killed her. He also probably wouldn't have let the brothers kill him. So, if that seems unlikely, someone else would have had to enchant that key and that room.

Whoever had enchanted those items would probably have known what they were used for. Bluebeard could have justified a room that didn't stink for all sorts of reasons, particularly before indoor plumbing existed. What would have been more difficult to explain would be the key. If that was a room for chamber pots, why lock it? If it was a room for any ordinary use, why make the key impossible to clean when it gets blood on it? I think whoever enchanted that room and that key knew what they were used for. So, someone else did that magic for Bluebeard.

Now for the final piece: how to make sure they didn't tell anyone about the murder room. It's possible that Bluebeard hired a heartless wizard to cast the spells and paid him to keep quiet about it. The only problem with this is that the wizard would have the perfect blackmail material forever. Bluebeard doesn't seem to be stupid, so he wouldn't have done that. The only way to be sure this mage wouldn't have told anyone would be if Bluebeard killed them afterwards. If this is what he did, where better than to put this corpse in the murder room? That also sets the trap for his next wife. Stay with me, this is where it gets interesting.

When the bride in this story looks into the murder room, there are only Bluebeard's previous wives in there. No one else. I think Bluebeard managed to get his first wife to cast these enchantments and then killed her. If she was such a strong mage, it is hard to think he could have killed her, but maybe casting those spells weakened her. Or maybe he slowly poisoned her. There are many ways he could have done it, but it has a kind of neatness about it. He uses his first wife to set the trap for his second wife's curiosity to kill her and on it goes until his wife kills Bluebeard instead.

The moral of the story is to watch your back if you're making a murder room for someone. Alternatively, don't murder your wives or you will end up dying for it. Eventually. And people say fairy tales are only for kids.

What do you think? Do you think someone else cast those spells? Have a different moral? Have a story you want me to over analyze? Comment below!