The Witch in the Stone Boat

It's really rude to climb aboard someone's boat without permission.

This week's tale comes to us from Iceland. They have some unusual and wonderful stories and The Witch in the Stone Boat is no exception. This story, like so many others, only happens because the king doesn't pay any attention.

We start off commonly enough with royal families not caring that much about family. The king tells his song to go marry a faraway princess because she's pretty and the prince agrees. That's quite the recommendation. Then, once the princes gets there and marries the princess, he agrees not to leave this kingdom until he gets word that his father has died. Wow. It's a shame that both the prince and this princess have such frail fathers. As is typical in fairy tales, their mothers are either dead, or so unimportant that we never hear of them. I have one more complaint about the prince, who becomes a king. He is supposedly very in love with his wife, but doesn't notice when she's replaced. When the witch walks over to him, instead of saying, "Who are you and why are you holding my child?" the king goes along with it and only wonders why his wife has become so mean.

The queen, on the other hand, is doing what she can to save herself. Although she was unable to do anything against the witch in the stone boat, she was able to bargain with the witch's brother. I wonder if the witch was just trying to get herself and her brother married. I could understand that would be an important goal in this time, but she's going about it in the most ridiculous way. In any event, it is only because the queen negotiates to come to the surface world three nights before marrying the three headed giant that the king even notices that anything is wrong. It is the king who cuts the queen's chain, which causes the death of the giant, but that is only after he had no way to misunderstand what was happening. It's a good thing for him that he married her. I'm not so sure about the reverse, but at least they love each other.

The moral of this story is to either keep witch repellent on you when you're going sailing, or to marry an observant man.

Penta With Maimed Hands

Just because you wear this, doesn't mean you're wise.

 
This week's fairy tale comes to us from Italy. Penta With Maimed Hands is a story about one woman's determination not to marry her brother.

I'm not sure who advised the king to marry his sister, but clearly that person and the king needed to be relieved from their duties for awhile. Penta, who was not crazy, refused her brother's advances. While it is incredible that she had her hands cut off to try to get her brother to stop wooing her, I always get stuck on that. Why did her brother think her hands were her best feature? I don't think I've ever heard a guy say that about a woman. Maybe I'm just not talking to the right guys.

Whatever the reason for the king's fixation, once Penta had her hands cut off, her brother threw her out to sea. Can you imagine how much it must have hurt when salt water got in the wounds on her wrists? This poor woman goes through all kinds of suffering because her brother wants to commit incest.

This story, like many other fairy tales, can be seen as two women pitted against each other. Nuccia is convinced that her husband is going to cheat on her with this beautiful, handless woman. Because of this initial distrust, Nuccia goes on to try to get Penta killed, even after Penta is married to someone else far away from the fisherman. Penta, of course, doesn't know that she got a false message from her husband, or that Nuccia was the one who sent it, so it's not a very fair contest. Fortunately for Penta, she is good and pretty so she wins out in the end.

Throughout this story, the only good woman is dead or maimed. Penta, obviously, is good. The king's first wife, who ordered her husband to marry this strange woman without hands, was good. All the better for the story because she died, I suppose. Otherwise, Penta couldn't have been a queen. Nuccia is the only woman we see who is physically whole and she is unnecessarily vicious.

The moral of this story would have to be either to be able to learn to do everything with your feet after you've had to order your own hands cut off, or to have your brother's mental health checked regularly.

How the Monkey Got a Drink When He was Thristy

Devious little critter.

Hello, reader. This week, we go to Brazil for our story. How the Monkey Got a Drink When He was Thirsty is a tale with a very descriptive title.

Of course we all know that monkeys can play the guitar, but I had not realized that monkeys were tricksters as well. This monkey gets in trouble for a pretty silly reason. Obviously, his guitar wouldn't sound right if there were tiger bones inside of it, so his song was fake. I am surprised the tiger got so angry about the monkey's song the first time, but the monkey did keep repeating it. Poor tiger. It makes me wonder why the monkey was so set on bothering the tiger, even after the tiger grabbed him. I think this monkey may have some issues.

The monkey's resin disguise was brilliant. I am a little surprised that the tiger never caught on, but I am more surprised that the tiger stayed at the watering place for so long. He must have been very sensitive about his bones. He also must have gotten very hungry unless he picked off animals who were coming to get a drink. I feel like that behavior is worse than the monkey's little song. I think a parliament of owls would have put the tiger on trial for such behavior. After all, what else is a parliament of owls for?

As for the moral of this story: If you're going to deeply annoy someone dangerous, make sure you're more clever than they are.

The Firebird

Get back here, thief!

This week, we turn to Slavik folklore for The Firebird. In this story, the Firebird and Prince Ivan's stupidity are the driving forces.

Firstly, I need to address the family dynamics in Ivan's house. I understand that he and his brothers might be competitive about catching the thief and then finding the firebird. However, that is no excuse for his brothers to kill Ivan and leave his body for the crows, taking his ill-gotten gains with them. Even their father isn't too grieved about his sons' deaths because Ivan is marrying a pretty girl. What a family.

Next we have the long-suffering gray wolf. While it is true that he killed Ivan's horse, the wolf more than makes up for this theft by helping Ivan commit three more thefts, even though Ivan can't follow directions. I could understand that the first time, Ivan could be tempted by the Firebird's cage. He might have even been worried about being able to carry off the bird without it escaping. However, when he didn't listen about the horse's bridle either, I gave up on Ivan. I also think the wolf was the reason everyone was asleep and it would have been so easy to steal their greatest treasure. The wolf tirelessly works to get Ivan what he wants, even though Ivan seems incapable of helping himself. The wolf is the only hero in this story.

Then we have Ivan himself. This is an unscrupulous, greedy man. He agreed to steal a Firebird, horse, and princess with no second thoughts. He was driven into these thefts, so they are understandable. However, once Ivan has these precious items and the princess, he doesn't want to give them up. The long-suffering gray wolf tricks the tsars so Ivan can keep what, and who, he stole.

The princess, Helen, is essentially an object. Princess Helen is beautiful and walks more slowly than her attendants and her father's name is Dalmat. We know nothing else about her. It's entirely possible she wanted to marry Ivan's brothers more than Ivan. Or even the wolf! We've seen that happen before in fairy tales, and he is the most noble character. The point being that Helen is passed around as easily as the horse or firebird. No one asks her opinion and she never seems to have one. I realize this is part of the time this fairy tale was told, but Ivan is still greedy for treating this beautiful woman like she is another precious thing to be stolen, instead of a person.

The moral of this tale is that if you choose to sacrifice your horse, you will gain an incredibly loyal friend who works to make your whims real, no matter how stupid you are.

I wonder what would have happened if Ivan had gone straight at that pillar instead.

Sleepy John

You can't see them, but she's wearing dancing shoes. Twelve pairs.

This week, we turn to the Czech Republic for our tale. Sleepy John is a variant on the Twelve Dancing Princesses tale. In this story, there's just one queen dancing, but she wears out twelve pairs of shoes each night.

This whole tale was possible because of two very rude farmers. It was not wise of Sleepy John to fall asleep in a cart, but there was no reason the farmers had to leave him in the forest, inside of a beer cask. More than anything else, this story happens through Sleepy John being lucky. If he hadn't been left to die in the forest (and survived it), he wouldn't have met the hermit and gotten his wonders, which let him track the queen. Why was that man a poor hermit in the forest? He had three magical items and he even knew which day he was going to die, so he was clearly not an ordinary man. My assumption is that the hermit was actually a fairy who was trying to help Sleepy John for some reason. That's usually how these things work in fairy tales.

In any case, Sleepy John finds himself at the castle where they truly have a Dancing Queen. He decides that he will not be sleepy on this particular night and that he will stay awake to follow the queen and find out what she's been doing. So, forsaking his name, John stays awake, even though he pretends to be asleep, to follow the queen. I guess he was just lazy to earn his nickname since he could stay awake when he wanted to. Also, I'm not sure what kind of people the queen has been around, but I would wake up from a solid sleep if someone scorched the soles of my feet.

With the magic of his hat and stick, John manages to follow the queen without being found. The queen definitely noticed when he broke off a branch from each forest they went through, but was unable to find him. At the time, it seems like a dangerous gamble, but it proves to be the reason his story is believed. That makes me wonder how many others have successfully followed the queen, but were not believed. The king doesn't seem to really want to know what his wife has been up to every night, and the penalty for not finding out is to lose your head. It seems like the king was actually trying to hide what his wife was doing, even though he said he wanted someone to find out. Interesting. That makes me wonder what was going on in their marriage.

The moral of this story is that if you're going to be the main character in a fairy tale, you'd better hope you're lucky so that everything turns out well for you.

Jirtdan-The Little Boy Who Fought Monsters

Nothing bad will happen if we're stuck here overnight.

Today, by request, we're looking at a fairytale from Azerbaijan. Jirtdan-The Little Boy Who Fought Monsters is about a tiny boy who has a lot of cunning.

I have to admit, at the beginning of this story, I was not a fan of Jirtdan. He makes his friends do all of the work when they're cutting wood and he won't even walk home! It's possible that Jirtdan was too little, but I think he's getting all he can out of his friends. In any case, the boys are caught in the forest in the dark and they end up at a human-eating giant's house. As one does.

It made me laugh every time the div came into the room and asked if everyone were asleep. Jirtdan got himself dinner out of the deal instead of being dinner. Then Jirtdan asked the div to bring him water in a sieve from the river. The div must have been incredibly tired, hungry, or dumb to even try this. However, he wanted all of those boys to fall asleep so he could eat them, gosh darn it. So, he went to the river to try to bring back some water in a sieve.

The boys make it across the river, but Jirtdan is not done besting the div. The div asks how he can get across the river, and Jirtdan gives him deadly advice. I'm not sure why the div listened to advice from someone who wanted water in a sieve, but he was probably too out of sorts at this point to question it. It was the last mistake the div would make. By this point, I kind of feel bad for him. All he wanted was to eat these children and instead he has to be a servant for them and then ends up drowning. And he never got his dinner!

Throughout the story, Jirtdan is clever and ruthless. Not only did he use his friends when it didn't really matter when they were cutting wood, but even after he knew the div was going to eat them, he made sure that he got something out of the giant first before escaping with his friends. He didn't share his eggs either. What a jerk.

The moral of this story would have to be to make sure you're either not good enough friends with the clever kid in town to get dragged into these messes, or that you're such good friends that he won't possibly leave you behind.

Baba-Yaga and Vasilisa the Fair

Doesn't everyone use a skull as a lantern?

Greetings, readers. This week, we take a trip to Russia to read one of Baba Yaga's stories. Baba Yaga is a fixture in Russian myths, but she is always the villain. She fascinates me, partially because her house runs around on chicken legs. This week, we'll be looking at Baba-Yaga and Vasilisa the Fair.

I have truly started to wonder why the only good mothers in fairy tales are the dead ones. Vasilisa's mother loved her so much that her blessing served Vasilisa until the day she died. So, of course, this woman died when Vasilisa was young, and of no particular illness. Vasilisa's stepmother, however, had two healthy daughters, and none of them had any sickness worth mentioning. This makes me wonder about if Vasilisa had any children and how long she lived after delivering them.

In any event, Vasilisa's last keepsake from her mother was a doll which helped her do all of the ridiculous tasks that her stepmother set her to. Her father is essentially not in this story. Eventually, the stepmother finds a reason to send Vasilisa to Baba Yaga's house, in the hope that the girl would be eaten. Her excuse of needing a light was pretty flimsy, though. It would be one thing if Baba Yaga's house were nearby, but it took Vasilisa a full day to walk there. By then they obviously had lit a fire and gotten the candles burning again. It's sad that Vasilisa was so desperate to please her stepmother that she walked into almost certain death, armed with only a doll possessed by her mother's blessing. Not only does Vasilisa, or the doll, complete Baba Yaga's tasks, but then Baba Yaga gives her a light, which kills Vasilisa's evil stepfamily. It's almost like Baba Yaga was trying to help the girl, in her own extreme way. Afterwards, Vasilisa found an old woman to share a house with and managed to keep them both alive.

This bears some examination. If Vasilisa was able to find somewhere to live and a way to eat without a family, truly a feat for a single woman in this time, why did she even go to Baba Yaga's house in the first place? The only reason I can imagine that she didn't abandon her stepfamily is that she was afraid to make her own way in the world. Look at what it got her when she did: she made incredibly fine clothes, she got to marry a man she loved, and she was taken care of for the rest of her life. Again, for this time, that's a big deal. I suppose Baba Yaga is actually a hero in this story, however unwillingly.

The moral of this story would have to be either that you can find goodness in unexpected situations, or that if you're crazy talented at something, you should probably do that before you're cast adrift and save yourself some trouble. Just think, Vasilisa could have met the tsar paragraphs earlier!